Happy birthday Jennith!

My best friend is 30 today.




Thank you Jenn for understanding even the most obscure thoughts that run through my brain even if i don't bother to verbalize them. Your authenticity is refreshing and challenging still. I wish that we lived in the same province.

And since i have always been a better memorizer than writer, I'll share with you all (well, all 4 of you. whatever.) my favorite coming of age poem. It always reminded me of Jenn, and that heady "oh my god we can think!" part of growing up we were together for.

WHAT IT WAS -

It was not exactly the inequalities
of schoolboy against bullying teacher
or later the fear fitting into a
strange conformity at a boarding school
or how cruelly alien boys were
- for at the time I searched out chinks
of reality in the high walls around
me and found perilous escape in books with
night flights west and sky causeways -
Later still I tore the loose membrane from
a third ear sharpening steadily now
I could never account for
and listening -

It was never either exactly when things
fell into place with a plop audible
in ordinary ears - so that at least i knew
what others thought about the general purpose
of condoms and women
ham and eggs
religion and
the institution of marriage etcetera
and all of the adjustments began
of deciding whether i really agreed with them
plus the dark intangibles like death and why why -
And making decisions by not making them
and the failure personally often
and the shame sometimes the shame
and again the listening -

Of course other problems exist here now
the necessity for patterns and pattern-makers
deciding which are certainties and which variables
(and very few of the former and mostly latter)
and always making mistakes
and sometimes the brain and heart's failure
to know say
this is the moment you'll always remember
this is the wind-blown instant of time
that swings you into the future
oh heavy as the heavy cellar stones of the world
but hammering on the gates of the sun
or merely a little older and bewildered about things
you didn't understand that perhaps meant nothing
and fumbling to stay alive
and always the listening -


(Al Purdy.)

fig leaves and other accessories

Belatedly in honour of blogging for LGBT families day

Not quite summer, but it's warm enough to eat naked! Give the stain-stik a rest, and just hose down after meals.

(B. asked if she could just eat and run around naked too. Then amended: "Maybe not, since I won't even let you hang my underwear on the line")



B. is doing well after just 24 hours of living with us. She's trying hard to make things work, and to figure out how things operate around here. She has been staying with us for occasional weekends for 5 years now, but moving in for good is a *huge* change for her, and for us.

She's increasingly flexible about the idea that people have genders, but textiles don't. She picked out a wide variety of outfits for LittleE to wear at the church's fashion show tonight. We've had lots of conversations about gender "on the inside" and gender "on the outside". Our "real" gender is in our heads and hearts, and is something that is betweeen us and god - we are each the experts on our own gender, and no one else can tell us that we're wrong. We are each made in god's image - naked or clothed. And although what we wear can be an *expression* of what's inside of us, it's just fabric, and can't *change* what's inside of us.

Our neighbour came out to her last night as trans. Which gives new grist for the mill as we continue the conversation about gender and expectations. He talked to her about how he felt pressured to give their daughter a *girls'* name.

To me, it's telling that even though our communities (and families of origin) are usually very supportive of us in all our permutations of gender and sexuality, there is a lot of pressure to raise "Normal" children (whatever that means). I.e. it is okay that we are queer, but we should really dress our children in gender "appropriate" clothing, and give them gender "appropriate" names.

I'm looking forward to the fashion show. It's going to be a display of the items available from the church's thrift store. And although B ain't never going to fit into the little sequined slippers she'd love to wear, she'll look great in the 2nd hand dresses and men's sandals that we found.

cuz life was boring before.

Since i haven't got time to tell everyone why this week has been hell, I'm going to write it here, and you all can read it if you please.

1. LittleE and I have the Worst Cold Ever. Little children don't have sinuses yet (which is why their voices are not as resonant - apparently) and is also why they are Factories of Explosive Snot. He's not terribly miserable, mostly just messy. I on the other hand, have been weaving unsteadily each afternoon in the hospital, where i've been double-gowned and masked while seeing patients. It's hard to ask the right questions in a second language while not being able to even hear the answer and concentrating on the boogers that i'd really like to wipe if it weren't for the mask. I keep leaving the room to blow my nose. grump.

2. B has moved in with us for an indeterminate length of time.

People at school have often asked if we are going to have another kid. I have just laughed and said that this is *Not A Good Time*. (like any time is good, but whatever). So, in a brilliant flash of "how to flunk out of medical school" we take in an 11 year old in crisis. Excellent planning MamaE.

I spent 2 hours last night watching her peel the couch cover off with her teeth, throw anything she could grab, and tell me that I was the meanest person on earth. All at top volume while jumping. I am thrilled to report however, that the glass door which i have been worried about since we put her bed in there is unharmed. Somehow, nothing got irreparably damaged. I was twice on the verge of calling 911, but i'm glad that i didn't. Amazingly, most of my CPI training came back to me (supportive stance, reflective listening, remove the targets, run with confidence) She eventually decided that she was not going to starve herself to death, joined us for supper, and then we rented a movie.

We both took her to school this morning, and met the administrators. We all rapidly checked each other out with a mutual unspoken "You'd better be taking good care of this kid who we care about very much". That left me with a good feeling. They really work to make things possible for her, and they like her.

So, now i'm back at the hospital. Not studying, and one day farther behind than i was yesterday.