Internal Medicine
And right here, the year reaches it's lowest point. Maybe it was that sinus infection i had, or LittleE being miserable with a cold and preventing me from sleeping. this was the most difficult 2 months yet. And it was difficult because of me, and the way i reacted to stuff -- not because of the rotation. I was lucky to be in a stellar site with a great team. So i'll start off talking about what was great about this rotation. . .
* Kind staff who did tons of teaching
* Kind staff who treated nurses and other hospital employees well - who in turn paid it forward and treated us nicely
* Call where i got to make decisions - At night, most of the hospital is covered by one junior resident and one med student. I always felt like i had good support, and at the same time, that i was at least marginally useful for my ability to think and plan, not just fetch coffee or write dictated notes.
And mostly, i met many doctors who actually gave a shit. And realised that caring is not an exception, but the genuine intention of most. Which is kind of a weird "aha" to have, seeing as it's common to assume that doctors are generally compassionate people. And so i've had to disengage my cynicism with the system of health care - which has no capacity for caring -from the people who work here. And i find it remarkable that anyone who works inside this kind of a monster still has enough left of themselves to care.
But it felt like work nonetheless. Work - where I found myself wishing the day was through before it had really started. And i've reached a point where i have to start making real decisions about what i don't want to do. . . and spending lots of time on a medicine ward is up there.
I don't like medical futility. (And i wouldn't say that i saw much of it -- in fact i saw some really lovely end-of-life interventions) But the potential is certainly there to keep trying to fix the unfixable. I would much prefer to chat about folks' dogs or grandkids or whatever, and i hate having to redirect people back to the topic at hand... And i especially hate how talking about dogs and grandkids becomes an irritating obstacle between me and sleeping, eating, peeing, or going the heck home. I found that it takes very little to turn me cold and utterly uncaring.
And after 30 hours in the same socks, i can barely bite back a snippy tone, which is luckily masked in any case by the brokenness of trying to shout to hearing and neurologically impaired people in a second or third language for both of us. "EST-CE QUE CA FAIT MAL?"
And what i hold back at the hospital can come out at home, when all i want to do is curl up and sleep, and MamaM sees my return as her chance to have some of the load taken from her.
We knew this year was going to be hard -- time, toddler, money, and the limits of what a body can do in a day. But i think it's going to get easier now. At least i hope that we're in for a bit of a break. . .
* Kind staff who did tons of teaching
* Kind staff who treated nurses and other hospital employees well - who in turn paid it forward and treated us nicely
* Call where i got to make decisions - At night, most of the hospital is covered by one junior resident and one med student. I always felt like i had good support, and at the same time, that i was at least marginally useful for my ability to think and plan, not just fetch coffee or write dictated notes.
And mostly, i met many doctors who actually gave a shit. And realised that caring is not an exception, but the genuine intention of most. Which is kind of a weird "aha" to have, seeing as it's common to assume that doctors are generally compassionate people. And so i've had to disengage my cynicism with the system of health care - which has no capacity for caring -from the people who work here. And i find it remarkable that anyone who works inside this kind of a monster still has enough left of themselves to care.
But it felt like work nonetheless. Work - where I found myself wishing the day was through before it had really started. And i've reached a point where i have to start making real decisions about what i don't want to do. . . and spending lots of time on a medicine ward is up there.
I don't like medical futility. (And i wouldn't say that i saw much of it -- in fact i saw some really lovely end-of-life interventions) But the potential is certainly there to keep trying to fix the unfixable. I would much prefer to chat about folks' dogs or grandkids or whatever, and i hate having to redirect people back to the topic at hand... And i especially hate how talking about dogs and grandkids becomes an irritating obstacle between me and sleeping, eating, peeing, or going the heck home. I found that it takes very little to turn me cold and utterly uncaring.
And after 30 hours in the same socks, i can barely bite back a snippy tone, which is luckily masked in any case by the brokenness of trying to shout to hearing and neurologically impaired people in a second or third language for both of us. "EST-CE QUE CA FAIT MAL?"
And what i hold back at the hospital can come out at home, when all i want to do is curl up and sleep, and MamaM sees my return as her chance to have some of the load taken from her.
We knew this year was going to be hard -- time, toddler, money, and the limits of what a body can do in a day. But i think it's going to get easier now. At least i hope that we're in for a bit of a break. . .
Labels: medskool
posted by lothyn at 14.6.07
2 Comments:
It was hard, but hey look - you did it and survived. Sometimes that is something you can take away from an experience - say Kash... Congrats - I don't know that I'd have the stamina to do what you are doing with what you have on your plate... Take care and be good, and I'll catch up with you soon hopefully.
Great work.
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